


So You Woke Up in a Slash Fanfic

by airspaniel



Category: Chris Bucholz Advice Columns (Cracked.com)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Crack, M/M, appropriate, cracked - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-02 19:12:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2822990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airspaniel/pseuds/airspaniel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b>What the hell?</b>
</p>
<p>What is it?</p>
<p>  <b>I showed up to work today, and I'm a barista at an indie coffee shop called “Perk Up.”</b></p>
<p>Well, while I can see where you might want a career with a little more upward mobility, there's nothing wrong with being a barista.</p>
<p>  <b>I'm usually an accountant.</b></p>
<p>Oh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So You Woke Up in a Slash Fanfic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [amaresu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaresu/gifts).



> Once I saw the prompt, I could not help myself. I have been waiting for an excuse to write something like this for what feels like forever, so this is purely self-indulgent nonsense. 
> 
> amaresu, I hope it makes you smile, at least a little. ^_^ Happy Yuletide!

**What the hell?**

What is it?

**I showed up to work today, and I'm a barista at an indie coffee shop called “Perk Up.”**

Well, while I can see where you might want a career with a little more upward mobility, there's nothing wrong with being a barista.

 

  
_ Unless you're this guy. _

 

**I'm usually an accountant.**

Oh.

**Yeah. About to make partner at my firm and everything.**

Huh.

**Yeah.**

Have you recently taken any hallucinogenic drugs? Is there any chance the coffee shop is a delusion of some kind?

**No, I don't think so. I… OW, fuck!**

What happened?

**I just burned the shit out of my hand on the milk steamer.**

Okay, so definitely a real coffee shop. Have you always harbored a secret dream of owning a coffee shop? Casting it all away to follow your heart's desire of caffeinated entrepreneurship?

 

  
_ Is this the face of freedom? _

 

**Not really, no.**

Oh. I'm just saying. Because being an accountant sounds really boring.

**Hey!**

Nothing personal. Do you have a history of sleepwalking?

**No. I… oh no.**

What is it?

**My boss just walked in. My regular boss, from the firm.**

What does he want?

**He wants a triple soy latte with three pumps of sugar free vanilla and a dash of cinnamon.**

Haha, that's a terrible drink. Is he mad that you didn't come into work today?

**No, he's… He's smiling. I think he's flirting with me. Gosh, I never noticed how nice his hair was until today. He looks gorgeous.**

Uh oh.

**What "uh-oh"?**

I think I've figured out what's going on. I think you're in a slash fanfic.

**I don't understand what those words mean. (Oh god, he just touched the back of my hand and laughed, I think I'm going to die. What is WRONG with me?)**

It means that all signs point to you being trapped in a fictional reality for the express purpose of having sex with your boss.

 

  
_ Like this, but twice as many dicks and fewer lace stockings. Maybe. _

 

**I _WHAT?_**

Look, I didn't come up with this, okay? I'm just the messenger.

**How did this happen?**

Okay, is there anyone at your office who ships you and your boss?

**Who _whats_ me and my boss? Wow, his teeth are perfect. And his lips are so full and pouty, flushing red like…**

Stop. Please. "Ships" as in relationships. Like, imagines the two of you together forever, getting married and having beautiful babies.

**We're both dudes.**

That is completely irrelevant.

 

  
_ A harrowing documentary. _

 

**Oh god.**

Indeed. So, is there anyone you can think of who might want to see you make sweet love to your boss, or vice versa?

**I'd let him vice my versa. I mean, no! I mean, I don't know, I never thought about it before.**

Think, man! Anyone who looks at the two of you for far too long? Anyone who maybe keeps constant notes during meetings, even when nothing is happening?

**No, not really... Wait. _Wait._ Carol is always doing something on her phone. I thought she was addicted to Candy Crush, but I guess she might... and she DID nearly walk into the door the last time I stayed behind after a meeting to have a private word with Peter.**

Peter?

**I mean, Mr. Sandusky. My boss. Fuck.**

Pretty much.

**He just asked what time I get off. I bit my lip so hard I think I'm bleeding.**

Oh dear. Do you think Carol's into the kinky stuff?

**I have no idea! She's always so quiet! Never talks to anyone, wears her shirts buttoned all the way up, sensible cardigans and stuff.**

 

****  
_ It's always the quiet ones. _ **  
**

 

What did you say?

**I just told him I finished work at six, and he chuckled deep in his chest and said I'd be getting off by six thirty.**

Heh. That's a good line.

**Ha, I just got it. OH GOD.**

Stay calm. Just hand him his coffee and tell him you're flattered, but not interested.

**Okay.**

Did it work?

**I told him I'd meet him out front when my shift was over.**

Dammit.

**I know.**

Well at least you have time to plan for it. All right, what do we know about this guy?

**He's six foot two, about a hundred and eighty pounds, I think. Pale blonde hair, like corn silk in sunshine, and these piercing green eyes that are just... they're like emeralds, cut through with moonlight, mysterious and enchanting. His chest is...**

I _meant_ what do we know about his personality?

**Oh. Well, he's a pretty good boss, I guess. Attentive, but not overbearing. He cares about the work, y'know? And about his employees, like, he makes sure to give every one of us his personal touch; to show us how much we mean to him. He's got this commanding air about him, not domineering, but just... in control. And all I have to do is give in, and… and… what the hell am I _saying?_**

This is worse than I thought.

**What should I do?**

Can you get to your car? You should probably try to go home and just forget this is happening.

**I'll try... oh shit!**

What?

**It's six o'clock somehow! Eight hours passed in the last twenty sentences!**

Carol must be skipping to the good part.

 

  
_ Time flies when you're imagining your coworkers fucking. _

 

**The good part? Oh god, I can see Peter standing outside. He's wearing a leather jacket now. I think he's got a motorcycle.**

Wow, okay, she's all in on this. There may be nothing you can do but go with it.

**Go with it?**

You know, let him take you out. Have some drinks, a nice dinner... just see where it goes.

**I'm pretty sure I know where it goes.**

Heh, nice one.

**Nice what? ...oh, you're awful!**

You knew that when you asked for my help.

**I know. Even when you make jokes at my expense, or when you give me terrible advice, I still feel like I can trust you, y'know? Like we have this close connection...**

Hey now, leave me out of this.

**Why? Are you afraid of your feelings? Afraid there might be something more between us?**

I'm the disembodied voice of an advice column. It would never work out.

**Oh. I guess you're right.**

Yeah, so go enjoy your date or whatever. If you wake up tomorrow and everything is back to normal, you can always destroy Carol's phone.

**Okay, that sounds pretty reasonable. Wait. What do you mean, “if”?**

Well, you could wake up and be a ballet dancer, a stripper, a genderswapped version of Elizabeth Bennet, a porn star, a secret agent, a penguin...

**What?**

...a dolphin, trapped in a Canadian shack, in prison, with superpowers, a puppy, a catboy, in a BDSM alternate reality, or you and Peter might be brothers. Just for starters.

**Brothers as in...?**

You ever see that Folgers commercial?

 

  
_ The best part of waking up… _

 

**Oh god.**

Yeah. So... you might want to stock up on lube. Have fun!


End file.
